Today was our pre-wedding party, our bachelor and bachelorette party. Most of the guests who will be at the wedding on Sunday came early so they could be at the party. We chose to hold it at a bar, and not separate parties like most people have. Now, more than ever, we needed to be together, especially since this would be our first “public appearance” since the diagnosis, and we needed each other’s strength.
As Michel and I got ready for the party, and we were choosing our outfits (jeans and a cheesy Bride and Groom t-shirt, of course), it dawned on me that wearing a bra tonight was not going to happen. Lately, it hurts to wear a bra for longer than an hour or so. I carefully chose an undershirt to wear under the t-shirt and hoped I would be able to keep smiling no matter what.
See, I’m not usually one to keep a secret about myself very well. Knowing we were going to be partying tonight with people who would soon be shocked by our news, it was incredibly difficult to keep my mouth shut. I was finding it very challenging to just be quiet and forget about “the breast cancer” for tonight.
I wanted to tell everyone what we were going through. I wanted the sympathetic hugs. I wanted to let them know that every time someone gave me a vigorous bear hug, it hurt like hell. I felt emotions I’m not used to feeling, and I didn’t like it one bit.
How can we smile at a time like this? I felt like a complete fraud, laughing, smiling, nodding in all the right places. Knowing that within a few weeks, I will be smack in the middle of cancer treatments, that all my friends and family will soon learn that throughout the wedding, we were smiling and laughing, but we were crying inside.
How can I possibly keep this smile plastered on my face when I want to scream at the unfairness of it all?
How? By remembering that smiling, laughing, joking, and learning how to play no matter what, is exactly how we will get through this in the coming months.
By the end of the night, I wasn’t faking it anymore. I felt alive, beautiful, sexy, and vibrant. I felt like all I had to do to get healthy was ask the Universe for my health. I felt like I wasn’t “sick” anymore, that in fact, I was radiantly, gloriously healthy.
I felt truly alive…