I’m getting married on Sunday, and I still don’t know whether or not I should tell my family and friends about my early diagnosis of breast cancer. After all, the doctor hasn’t done all the tests yet, and it might not be breast cancer after all. A girl can hope, can’t she?

Questions flood my mind in the moments between tears. Dammit! I don’t have time for tears! I have a wedding to prepare for.

My fiancee and I talk about how to handle this. We decide we don’t want to tell anyone just yet. After all, we want tears of joy at our wedding, not tears of sorrow. We don’t want people crying over how “tragic” this is, on the happiest day of our lives.

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Getting ready for our upcoming nuptuals means running around like a lunatic at the last minute. We are so busy handling all the last minute details that we barely have time to breathe, let alone think about what we’re “going through”.

In the midst of all the wedding errands, we got a bit of reprieve when we picked up the best man at the airport. Craig is one of our very best friends, and he is one of the few we decided we were ready to tell about this “issue”. The main reason we felt Craig should be one of the first to know is because he is one of those incredibly shiny people who seems to stay strong and happy no matter what is happening around him. He’s a rare gem, a man who can actually handle hearing about this without falling apart or succumbing to “oh, you poor thing” thinking.

Michel and Craig are best friends, and Michel needs a shoulder to lean on right now. Craig not only won the job of best man, he also won the job of best shoulder to lean on.

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Today was our pre-wedding party, our bachelor and bachelorette party. Most of the guests who will be at the wedding on Sunday came early so they could be at the party. We chose to hold it at a bar, and not separate parties like most people have. Now, more than ever, we needed to be together, especially since this would be our first “public appearance” since the diagnosis, and we needed each other’s strength.

As Michel and I got ready for the party, and we were choosing our outfits (jeans and a cheesy Bride and Groom t-shirt, of course), it dawned on me that wearing a bra tonight was not going to happen. Lately, it hurts to wear a bra for longer than an hour or so. I carefully chose an undershirt to wear under the t-shirt and hoped I would be able to keep smiling no matter what.

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This has been the most amazingly beautiful day of my life, and the memories we created today will last a lifetime!

We got married! Yippee! (If you haven’t seen it already, check out our wedding blog at MichelAndSylvie.com)

I am in a state of absolute joy today. I couldn’t be happier. After all, I got to marry my very best friend, a man I actually love hanging out with. A man who inspires me and makes me laugh. Michel amazes me with his sharp intelligence and brilliant creativity, and his ability to see the good in everything and everyone constantly floors me. I mean, he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body.

Simply put, we were meant to be together. He is my soulmate.

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Or “Lessons in Nothingness.”

Coming back from our honeymoon, where we spent an entire week on a cruise with the entire family, there is so much to say, and I barely know where to begin.

What an absolutely beautiful week! I was so busy having fun, I very nearly forgot about “the cancer”, for a while at least. What a treat to just breathe in the ocean air and relax on our balcony, watching the waves slap up against the side of the ship. I had forgotten how wonderful it is to just breathe.

Actually, in hindsight, it’s probably my inability to just stop and breathe for a while that caused my body to go out of whack like this. If I could do it over again, I would have taken more time to just relax over the years.

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Monday was the day that I was scheduled for breast MRI tests. This is one of many different types of tests I will be undergoing in the coming weeks, months, and probably years.

Such a strange experience, and not exactly what one might expect.

First, when the nurse was scheduling me, she asked the weirdest questions, like “Have you ever had metal in your eye”. Metal in my eye? I tried desperately to remember any instance in my childhood that might have resulted in me having any shards of metal that I may have forgotten. Apparently, this machine consists of such a powerful magnet that if I had ever had metal in my eye…well let’s just say it would have removed itself during the MRI. Blecch!

So needless to say, I was a bit nervous when the test began. I fervently hoped I hadn’t forgotten some lead pencil accident or something. Strangely, I squinched my eyes closed, hoping that if I had forgotten anything, I wouldn’t experience anything awful (as if keeping my eyes closed would actually help).

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Well, we’re down to the wire, folks. For the past two weeks, I’ve been preparing myself for tomorrow’s surgery.

I’ve read more information about breast cancer in the past two weeks than I ever thought was possible to read. In fact, I’m pretty sure I could pass a medical exam on the subject by now…

I’ve surfed online for pictures of what a mastectomy looks like, to help shield myself from the absolute shock of seeing what it will look like. It ain’t pretty, but at least I know what I’m in for…

I’ve read countless survivor’s stories and have laughed and cried along with them…

I’ve read each and every comment and thoughts from friends and people I’ve never met, which has helped enormously. Man, I can’t tell you how good it is to know I’m not doing this alone…

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I woke up a short time ago and am heading back to bed shortly. My body said “hey, time for your meds”.

But I wanted to take a quick moment to update everyone and let you know that I am home and am being cared for by the best nurses in the world. My dear husband has been beside himself making sure I have everything I need. He’s teaching me that it is ok to let someone else take care of me for a change. I can’t imagine going through this without his undying love and support.

My wonderful brother has been handling the housework and taking care of the dog for me, and his strength and help mean so much to me. I’ll never forget how he’s willing to set aside his own life for me at this time.
(These two men are amazing caregivers!)

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It’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything, primarily because I haven’t been feeling as well as usual (gee, wonder why?).

I debated sharing this publicly, and ultimately decided to go for it. See, this blog isn’t just about talking about how I stay hopeful and positive. It’s also my way of dealing with the challenges of going through this event in my life, and if I am to be completely healed, I need to also be completely raw and honest about everything I’m experiencing.

So, I am taking a few moments to just “let it all hang out” and let the chips fall where they may.

The last few days have taken their toll on me, both physically and mentally. It’s been more difficult than usual to maintain my smile. It hasn’t been impossible, just more challenging.

There are two reasons for this.
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The day we’ve been waiting for has finally arrived. On Sept. 20th, we had an appointment with the surgeon to go over the “autopsy” results. They did the pathology and biopsy on the removed breast tissue and Wednesday, they delivered the results in a neatly typed 8 x 10 envelope.

Honestly, we were hoping for better results. Up until this point, we had no idea whether or not the cancer had invaded my lymph nodes, and we were praying that it hadn’t and that it had been caught in time. We weren’t really prepared for any other news.

So, the reality of how far this cancer had gone really hit us rather hard. We’re still reeling from it.

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